Helping Parents Age Safely: A Guide for Adult Children Navigating Stubbornness and Change 

Parents dedicate a couple decades, if not longer, to raising and guiding their children. So, when roles reverse and aging parents begin to decline physically, mentally or both, it can be difficult to 1) accept new limitations and 2) admit and talk to their adult children about any fear, shame and assistance they may need. 

“There’s some resistance because our parents aren’t going to necessarily think we have the expertise to tell them what they need,” says Kady Svitak, behavioral health provider at Vail Health, “so supporting them with as many resources as possible, or leaning on the experts in their life, can help relay a message that’s been hard to instill.”  

“Sometimes it’s getting an outside provider, a mental health person or a physical therapist or doctor, to be really clear on that messaging so the adult child doesn’t have to play that role,” she continues. “Utilize the experts who might have more buy-in from the aging person than their children because it’s very hard to have that role reversal.” 

Lean on the Experts 

Paramedics can even perform an in-home fall-risk assessment and make suggestions, like installing a grab bar in the shower and removing throw rugs and other trip or slip risks. 

Experts say it’s essential to impart compassionately how much you care for your parents and want to see them maintain their independence as much as possible. Gently point out how devices like walkers can help them go farther with less fatigue or how hearing aids can allow them to interact more with family members and even drive longer. 

“You’re trying to look at the opportunities that may come with using these helpful devices or tools for assistances,” Svitak says, adding how so many technologies have improved throughout the decades. “It’s an opportunity to redefine what can I do in this body, not what can’t I do. Shifting a mindset can be challenging, but being creative and thinking outside the box can open up possibilities.” 

Reframing Independence 

For example, asking a grandchild or neighbor to help with daily tasks, such as shoveling, can be a shared activity, in which aging parents can perhaps participate at an easier level, or simply chat or invite the assistant in for hot cocoa afterwards. Other options might be walking on smooth tracks at the rec center, rather than risking icy or cracked sidewalks. 

“It’s basically holding space to acknowledge that it’s hard and knowing what resources are available,” she says. 

That applies to both aging parents and adult children, who may also fall within the sandwich generation, raising kids and managing parents’ care. Peer groups for caretakers, case managers, mentors or nurses can ease responsibilities for adult children so they don’t feel so alone. Behavioral health services, as well as any deemed medical interventions (such as medication or checking for sleep apnea) can help both parents and adult children. Local senior centers also offer community and home-delivered meals, wellness classes, transportation and much more. 

Support for the Sandwich Generation 

Svitak recalls one 88-year-old and her husband who moved to Eagle County to be near their daughter, but the woman struggled adjusting to the new setting. She felt reluctant to join any groups, but she eventually found a crochet group she loves. 

“That has been a great space for connection and socialization,” Svitak says, adding that adult children should advocate not just for medical needs but also for social support. The majority of the Vail Valley population has revolved their identity and social life around being active, and when their body slows down, they need to reassess their identity and activities they can still do and enjoy. 

“As an occupational therapist, all of our sessions are really collaborative. I always reframe limitations as: What’s meaningful to you, or what do you like?” says Leah Austrian, doctor of occupational therapy at Howard Head Sports Medicine, adding that positive self-perceptions of aging can be powerful. “I try to cultivate a growth mindset with them because our brains are neuroplastic, and they can always have room to change and learn.” 

A Collaborative Approach 

She recommends adult children taking a positive, rather than fearful or demanding, approach. That means respecting parent’s boundaries when it comes to timing for a certain intervention, as well as adult children’s boundaries, in terms of knowing how much caregiving, and worry, they can tolerate before seeking support or doing a bit less. Essentially, we want to take blame or shame out of both parties. 

“Sometimes it’s tough love. We care about you, we don’t want you to get hurt, we know this is risky. How can we help you get this need met and maintain agency and power in your life in another way?” Svitak says. “It’s about shifting away from the narrowminded or stuck on one thing, and acknowledging what’s really going on, that you’re losing some control and power in your life and your body. So how can we instill more agency?” She adds that gentleness, love and designating a specific time to talk about modifications are key. 

Modifying tasks can bring satisfaction without risking a fall. Austrian uses the example of pickleball and simply hitting the ball back and forth across the table, or even using a balloon.  

“It’s taking it a different way,” she says. “Sometimes there’s some pushback, but usually when I modify it, people still have fun and still participate, and then they’re are smiling again because they previously had given it up altogether.” 

Cognitive deficits, such as those in the early stages of Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s or dementia, also benefit from compensatory strategies from medication and exercise to using notes and planners. 

“I go through those, and I highlight: ‘Oh, you’re really good at using this already, and now we might just have to focus on using it more,” she says. 

She also practices memory skills with patients, such as visualizing something they hear or repeating it multiple times. 

Saving Energy for What Matters 

Through all of the modifications, ranging from tools like better task lighting or night lights, pill organizers, electric can openers, walkers, a shower chair, dressing tools or benches, she explains how they’ll help save energy for things they truly want to do. 
 
“Asking, ‘Do you still like walking outside or playing with your grandkids or things like that?’ That’s where we want to spend our energy, not on showering or getting dressed or walking around the home and things like that,” she says, adding that another goal involves aging at home as independently as possible. 

And, more energy, efficiency and confidence reduces the risk of falls and other injuries. As Austrian points out, studies show that fear of falling increases the risk of doing so. Any physical and occupational therapy that prevents that can help. Likewise, celebrating progress increases positivity, which enhances proactive attitudes that can lengthen life. 
 
“Negative self-perceptions of aging can also decrease lifespan,” she says. “The mind is powerful, so encouraging a positive growth mindset and confidence can actually go a long way.” 

Tips for Talking to Aging Parents 

• Start With Love: Lead conversations with compassion and emphasize how much you want them to maintain their independence, not lose it. 
• Bring in Outside Experts: Parents may resist advice from their children but respond better to doctors, physical therapists or mental health providers delivering the same message. 
• Focus on What They Gain: Reframe aids as tools that expand possibilities: a walker means going farther, hearing aids mean more connection with grandchildren. 
• Set Designated Times to Talk: Rather than bringing up concerns constantly, schedule specific times to discuss modifications and safety needs. 
• Acknowledge the Difficulty: Validate that aging and losing abilities is hard. Hold space for their feelings of fear, shame or frustration. 
• Celebrate Small Wins: Recognize progress and victories, no matter how minor. Positivity about aging can actually extend lifespan. 
• Seek Support for Yourself: Join caregiver support groups, work with case managers or talk to behavioral health providers. You don’t have to do this alone. 
• Modify, Don’t Eliminate: Help parents find adapted versions of beloved activities rather than giving them up entirely, like using a balloon instead of a pickleball.